Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We had to coat check the pizza.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
