so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
