The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
