So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
