god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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