I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
