I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
