you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
