I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
