My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
