So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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