billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
