just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
