We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
why do cheetos always look like penises
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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