Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
