Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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