drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
