sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is wine microwaveable?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
