You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
