there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Church boner. Awkwardddd
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
