i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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