Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dick very happy bro
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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