well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
