If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
