Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
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Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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