Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
