I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
