Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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