So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
