hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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