I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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