bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
