He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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