I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
