In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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