My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
