And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
