I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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