If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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