you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
