Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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