I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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