Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
