I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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