He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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