my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
