i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
