do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
