Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
