I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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