In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
