The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize