i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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