SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They took my balls.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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