i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
