You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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