actually, I'm a sock model
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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