coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
