remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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