I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
