I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
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got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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