I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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