Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
