True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
