people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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